I. That Marked Age
Twenty is like an invisible threshold, standing before many women. Clinical psychologist Jacobsen has seen too many clients like this—they aren’t truly desperate, but are simply pushed forward by an inexplicable sense of urgency. Marriage, career, childbirth—these issues, which could have developed independently, suddenly twist into a single rope, suffocating them.
“Women over thirty often experience the most concentrated anxiety,” Jacobsen says. It’s not because they are truly more unfortunate than others, but because this age happens to stand at the crossroads of the social clock—before them lies the “infinite possibilities” of twenty, behind them the “settled life” of forty, and they are stuck in the middle, afraid to look back, yet unable to see the road ahead.
II. Those “Shoulds”
The root of anxiety is often not what you want, but what others think you should want.
On social media, you scroll past a peer’s wedding photo, and the next one is a classmate’s nursery. At family gatherings, the conversation invariably revolves around “when are you settling down?” These subtle hints, like dust in the air, are usually invisible, but in a fleeting moment of sunlight, they suddenly make you realize their omnipresence.
Jacobsen suggests that the first step is to separate “what you want” from “what others want.” Perhaps you’re not in a rush to get married, but simply dislike the feeling of being “outdated”; perhaps you don’t crave a promotion, but are afraid of being labeled “unambitious.” Understanding this eliminates half the anxiety.
III. Look Back, Not Always Forward
The essence of anxiety is uncertainty about the future. This uncertainty makes people habitually look forward, forgetting to look back at how far they’ve already come.
Have you ever considered that at twenty, you might not have the courage to leave an unsuitable relationship? Perhaps you wouldn’t dare to live your life with equanimity at thirty-five while still single? Perhaps you wouldn’t be able to build friendships from scratch in a completely new city? Perhaps you wouldn’t be able to quit that stable but increasingly stagnant job?
These are all feats you’ve already accomplished. Anxiety simply makes you habitually ignore these things, as if they never happened.
IV. Close the Windows That Make You Uneasy
Social media is a strange thing. It edits other people’s highlights into a continuous movie, making you mistakenly believe you’re living in someone else’s end credits.
Jacobsen’s advice is practical: unfollow those family bloggers who make you feel pressured. Don’t report your relationship progress to every nosy relative—they’re often more adept at reminding you that you’ll end up alone than at cultivating relationships.
This isn’t escapism, but selectively protecting your psychological space. After all, you live your life for yourself, not for others to judge.
V. Accept a Less Popular Fact
“You may never ‘succeed.'” This sounds cruel, but it’s what Jacobsen believes is most important to hear.
No matter how hard you plan, you can’t control when fate arrives, nor can you predict how the future will unfold. The unpredictability of life isn’t an enemy you need to defeat, but rather a climate you need to adapt to.
Letting go of the obsession with “success” doesn’t mean giving up. It simply means you stop measuring your life by other people’s timelines. Be true to yourself and keep going—as for where you’re going, sometimes there’s no map, let alone navigation.
VI. Reducing Stress, Not Eliminating Stress
It’s important to emphasize that the goal of mental and physical health is never to completely eliminate anxiety or stress. That’s impossible and unnecessary. Stress itself is a signal, reminding you that something needs adjustment.
The real goal is to lighten the weight of stress so it no longer crushes you. Jacobsen said it’s like learning to live with the weather—you can’t stop the rain, but you can bring an umbrella or learn to walk more calmly in the rain.
VII. In Conclusion
Twenty is not a watershed moment, nor is it the final destination. It’s just an ordinary crossing in the river of time; some people disembark here, while others continue drifting.
Anxiety is terrible not because it actually exists, but because we always treat it as a problem that needs immediate attention. It’s more like background noise—you can’t turn it off, but you can learn not to let it control you.
After all, life is long. And you’re still young—really, compared to the entirety of your life, thirty is just the beginning of the second act.
